Reviews

Cex

Actual Fucking

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Review Date: 2006-10-30

Yup. That's right. Start off your CD reviewing career with Peaches, and you will forever get albums that are sexual in every way possible. Alas . . . the Cex review.

Cex is the band, not to be confused with Actual Fucking, which is the name of the album. Before I can ever get to the music, I have got to talk about the packaging of this product. This is quite possibly the most fucked up, sexually graphic CD that I have ever seen – as opposed to heard – without having any actual penetration shots.

The cover is an illustrated outdoor setting with dark, menacing-looking trees in the background that appear to be disapprovingly watching the explicit scene taking place in front of them. (Cum – hahaha, oops! -- Come to think of it, the trees remind me of triangular Jawas. You know, those things that comb the desert in Star Wars?) The action that is taking place in front of the trees has a man, shall I say . . . showering his love onto the back of the woman. They are standing and it seems as though they may be involved in some sort of Eyes Wide Shut escapade as the man is wearing a Zorro-like mask around his eyes.

All this is to say that they were tame on the front, because once you open the case, the CD art is an entangling of four women who look like they could be taking part in a nude-wrestling match – maybe about to do a figure four. No, that isn't referring to a sexual position; I was referring to the wrestling move. I know, I know – you're thinking "Well, no one is getting a load shot on their back, sounds pretty tame." It's what appears under the CD once it is removed from the case. There is a lace pattern, and on first glance, what appeared to be six tulip bulbs. Tulips, no. More like two lips. Yes, my friends – six poons, staring right at you in all their naked (some hairy, some not) glory. As a heterosexual female who is not a contortionist, I have not had such an up close and personal view with 'ginas. I felt like I was a gynaecologist. It was odd because the first time I saw it I seriously didn't realize what they were.

It gets better. The sex does not stop with the illustrations. There are no printed lyrics in the liner notes. There are only eight stories that sound like they have come from the pages of Penthouse Forum. Each one of the songs is titled after the cities from each of the story writers. From bathroom sex to threesomes – these stories cover a lot of sexual ground. Reading it in the airport made me think that I was going to have to join the mile high club – but I contained myself.

Don't even ask me who does what in this band (collective?). It is a riddle. I'm not just saying that – it is an actual riddle. The back page of the booklet lists a bunch of names, and I gather from web research that Rjyan Kidwell is the main brains behind the operation. However, the credits listed on the page prior to the names gives you clues such as "Singers always have a W in their name." So, that would mean that Kidwell and Roby Newton would be on vocals but I'll be damned if I am going to sit here and figure all of them out. The clues don't get easier, that's for sure. The music – oh right, there is music that goes with all of this debauchery. I forgot. The most I can say about that is that it has a coffee house vibe. I could almost imagine it playing in a coffee shop with a bunch of middle aged women enjoying their coffee, not even realizing that they are listening to Actual Fucking.

Score: 6.7

- Mistress Kara